My Struggle and Embrace of Solitude

"Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity." - Thomas Merton

I definitely have a love/hate relationship with solitude. At times I can not only find great peace in it, but immense amounts of fun. Then there are the other times where I feel lonely, and I crave social interaction. And sometimes I feel incredibly lonely in huge groups. A lot of the loneliness that I'm feeling, I think, has much to do with my quietness and childhood.

When I try to question, why am I quiet? Where does my quietness stem from, but I'm unsure. I've always known myself to be quiet, and for adults to always comment on my quietness and precociousness. I enjoyed playing by myself in preschool, but once I got into elementary school I did not know how to interact with the children. During recess I'd go sit alone under the big tree or make up little adventures in my head. Once I did make a friend, I'd want to hang out with them more outside of school, but my family was restrictive. Even up until I graduated high school I could only go over to a friend's house for two hours, maybe three. I know this was my families' way of protecting me. My grandmother always thought the world was out to get me, and that no one is to ever be trusted. This is how my family works. Neither my grandparents or my mother has any friends, and to them I'm incredibly naive for thinking otherwise. And I am naive. Even though I've always been quiet, if a classmate needed help I'd be there. I hated group assignments in school because everyone would be discussing what to do, but they didn't know how to make it work. So, even though they'd never talk to me, they'd ask my input and I got it going for them. I'd on occasion get walked on, but I've learned to try to step back (if my memory lets me remember) and take care of myself when necessary.

Taking initiative into social interaction is hard for me. I remember my two first friends when I we lived in the trailer park. I was maybe four, and was running to get my brother from his friends' house when two girls sitting underneath a trailer caught my eye. They called out to me and offered me a gummy bear. So many of my other friendships have started from the other person making the initiative to find out who I am. It's not that I'm not interested, or that I don't want the interaction I just don't know how to carry a conversation with people I haven't met. I know through the school experience, when I would try, I would end up being misunderstood. I think. When I try to put my thoughts into words it doesn't always come out the same way. Growing up I'd say things backwards, I'd stumble over my words, or I'd say something really rude and not even mean for it to be rude. For those instances I'd try to defend myself, and apologize. When I would 'zone out' people would think that I was depressed, was even made to see a psychiatrist by the high school because they were afraid I was going to hurt myself..when really I was just wasn't thinking. In a sense, meditating with my eyes open. I think the possibility of being misunderstood worries me more now. Then, my answer was to shut myself off from everyone, but now I want to understand and work through these inner struggles.

Now living with two people I've known for nearly a decade, I've been learning to be more honest and vocal about what I am feeling other than constantly putting them on the sideburner or burying them. With my vocalizing, comes my craving for more social interaction. So, I try, but then I find myself struggling to find words to add to conversations, or when I do it's hard to try to vocalize over people. I find myself wanting to scream so people will take notice. Communicating in group settings I still have to work on I also feel like my reactions to things get misunderstood. So now, I in a way feel like I have to try to keep my reactions in check, but I also feel like I'm negating who I am by keeping myself constantly in check. I need to learn to flow and balance..

When I feel alone, I not only crave someone to talk to, but I do crave affection. I feel like growing up the only affection I received was from my Uncle. He would hold me all the time, let my fall asleep in his lap while he worked on the computer. Would yell at me through the cat tails in Point Lookout to tell me it's okay to walk through the water to get to the sandbars. It was devastating when he died. Now, I haven't dated in four years, and I miss being held. I feel like I've grown up most of my life taking care of myself, I'm wanting someone to love me. I want the companionship. So, why don't I go find my 'knight in shining armor.' Because I don't get attracted to people easily, and I don't want to search out. Most of the people I know that genuinely love each other didn't search out for their lovers. It's interesting, when I went to a spiritual convention last year I had a tarot reading from a Native American. I left it generally open, and she went on with the usually...money, relationship, future bit. She said I'd meet two wolves in January 2010, or I may already know them. A dark and a light haired one, one calm, one fiery in personality. I didn't actually meet anyone that fit that description at all this year.

I love my friends, and I love the hugs we give. It really is almost like air to me now. I just don't know the answer to this. Hopefully I can work through it soon.