Hibernate

The more I listen and read the more I see how everyone seems to be going through similar conflicts with their friends. People feel abandoned, used, drained, betrayed, and hurt all the way around. This may stem from mis-communications, lack of understanding, high expectations, or lack of insight. Haven't we all experienced one or more of the above at least once in our lives? As humans we search for trust, care, and love in the people we surround ourselves with. People put high expectations on their friends because they feel like friends are supposed to be there for you. Through thick and thin, and have all the battle scars tended to. The problem starts when one person miscommunicates or cannot be there. What happens? The other person will either figure out where things went wrong, understand that realistically a friend will never always be there, or they'll get angry.

It seems to be easier for many people to get angry. It's a defense mechanism. We get angry and we'll either shut down emotionally or lash out. Our society seems to encourage hiding your emotions rather than being truly honest with how you are feeling. Instead, I encourage you to look inside yourself. Ask yourself, why am I angry? Where is this anger coming from? We all have inner turmoil that we need to face in our own time. We can have guides to help us take on these demons, but no one can do it for us. We have to want the change, and we have to want to be free of it to be happy. Again, no one can do it for us, no friend. Friends can help us along the way, but don't get angry if you get let down. We should cultivate our own inner peace and happiness, and not put that responsibility on others. I have a "safe friend" I go to when I'm annoyed. They don't help me with my problems though, they're really more of a distraction. Some of my other friends encourage me to voice how I am feeling so that I don't go into my familiar/uncomfortable place of harboring feelings. This is to avoid conflict.

"Which do you prefer, the pain of growth or the pain of staying where you are?" -J.H. Lasater...Finding inner peace will be painful in the beginning, but it can be done. I'm still coming to terms with everything that I have been through, and all the drama games I replay in my head. "Meditate on the Self. You are of no good to others if you can not see clearly. Which is exactly what I am going to go do....." -Monica Louise Sweeney. All of the conflict we put ourselves through, and what other people put us through can, in the end, be a very beautiful part of learning. It is in the most difficult of times in our lives that define who are, and allows us to grow if we decide to see it like that. Even when something dies, something new is born. It would be unrealistic to think a friendship will always remain perfect.

So what happens when you try and try and try to reconnect, but keep getting slapped in the face? If someone isn't ready to take the dive into themselves, and you have tried to show them this...maybe it is better to take the training wheels off? I feel like I had to learn this the hard way. I ran away to Savannah, and I knew no one there. Now returning after so many years I feel like I have a better understanding of where I was at when I left, and where my friends were coming from. Sometimes, it takes time to grow and self reflect.

By no means, am I saying that you should do this now or you're a bad person, but I do encourage everyone to look in themselves. No one is a bad person, and compassion is not blind. Compassion is meant for all however difficult it may be at times to give compassion. So I say, lets hibernate and focus on taking care of ourselves, and then come alive and share what we found in the spring.

Release and let go of whatever may be troubling you. Say fuck it and relax. Breathe. Love. Learn. Live. Laugh. Grow.

My Struggle and Embrace of Solitude

"Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity." - Thomas Merton

I definitely have a love/hate relationship with solitude. At times I can not only find great peace in it, but immense amounts of fun. Then there are the other times where I feel lonely, and I crave social interaction. And sometimes I feel incredibly lonely in huge groups. A lot of the loneliness that I'm feeling, I think, has much to do with my quietness and childhood.

When I try to question, why am I quiet? Where does my quietness stem from, but I'm unsure. I've always known myself to be quiet, and for adults to always comment on my quietness and precociousness. I enjoyed playing by myself in preschool, but once I got into elementary school I did not know how to interact with the children. During recess I'd go sit alone under the big tree or make up little adventures in my head. Once I did make a friend, I'd want to hang out with them more outside of school, but my family was restrictive. Even up until I graduated high school I could only go over to a friend's house for two hours, maybe three. I know this was my families' way of protecting me. My grandmother always thought the world was out to get me, and that no one is to ever be trusted. This is how my family works. Neither my grandparents or my mother has any friends, and to them I'm incredibly naive for thinking otherwise. And I am naive. Even though I've always been quiet, if a classmate needed help I'd be there. I hated group assignments in school because everyone would be discussing what to do, but they didn't know how to make it work. So, even though they'd never talk to me, they'd ask my input and I got it going for them. I'd on occasion get walked on, but I've learned to try to step back (if my memory lets me remember) and take care of myself when necessary.

Taking initiative into social interaction is hard for me. I remember my two first friends when I we lived in the trailer park. I was maybe four, and was running to get my brother from his friends' house when two girls sitting underneath a trailer caught my eye. They called out to me and offered me a gummy bear. So many of my other friendships have started from the other person making the initiative to find out who I am. It's not that I'm not interested, or that I don't want the interaction I just don't know how to carry a conversation with people I haven't met. I know through the school experience, when I would try, I would end up being misunderstood. I think. When I try to put my thoughts into words it doesn't always come out the same way. Growing up I'd say things backwards, I'd stumble over my words, or I'd say something really rude and not even mean for it to be rude. For those instances I'd try to defend myself, and apologize. When I would 'zone out' people would think that I was depressed, was even made to see a psychiatrist by the high school because they were afraid I was going to hurt myself..when really I was just wasn't thinking. In a sense, meditating with my eyes open. I think the possibility of being misunderstood worries me more now. Then, my answer was to shut myself off from everyone, but now I want to understand and work through these inner struggles.

Now living with two people I've known for nearly a decade, I've been learning to be more honest and vocal about what I am feeling other than constantly putting them on the sideburner or burying them. With my vocalizing, comes my craving for more social interaction. So, I try, but then I find myself struggling to find words to add to conversations, or when I do it's hard to try to vocalize over people. I find myself wanting to scream so people will take notice. Communicating in group settings I still have to work on I also feel like my reactions to things get misunderstood. So now, I in a way feel like I have to try to keep my reactions in check, but I also feel like I'm negating who I am by keeping myself constantly in check. I need to learn to flow and balance..

When I feel alone, I not only crave someone to talk to, but I do crave affection. I feel like growing up the only affection I received was from my Uncle. He would hold me all the time, let my fall asleep in his lap while he worked on the computer. Would yell at me through the cat tails in Point Lookout to tell me it's okay to walk through the water to get to the sandbars. It was devastating when he died. Now, I haven't dated in four years, and I miss being held. I feel like I've grown up most of my life taking care of myself, I'm wanting someone to love me. I want the companionship. So, why don't I go find my 'knight in shining armor.' Because I don't get attracted to people easily, and I don't want to search out. Most of the people I know that genuinely love each other didn't search out for their lovers. It's interesting, when I went to a spiritual convention last year I had a tarot reading from a Native American. I left it generally open, and she went on with the usually...money, relationship, future bit. She said I'd meet two wolves in January 2010, or I may already know them. A dark and a light haired one, one calm, one fiery in personality. I didn't actually meet anyone that fit that description at all this year.

I love my friends, and I love the hugs we give. It really is almost like air to me now. I just don't know the answer to this. Hopefully I can work through it soon.

Leap of Faith

Before Inception came out I knew I was going to want to write a review on it. It's just that, I didn't know what kind of an effect it was going to have on me. Honestly, I don't know of any film to inspire me like Inception did. The film isn't, in my opinion, meant to be reviewed...more than it is meant to be discussed. And like most great art pieces, everyone has their own equally fascinating interpretation all which are possible.

Ever since I moved back from Savannah, Georgia I've been almost in a constant struggle with inner and outer conflicts. A friend put it quite perfectly, "you're holding yourself hostage." And I do, we all do to some extent. We hold ourselves hostage by sad memories or regret..things that for whatever reason we refuse to let go of. This is something that the main character in Inception goes through. He's haunted by his wife, and I am haunted by my Uncle. In a few days it will have been sixteen years since he took his life, and I still think about him regularly. I think he must have been the first person I genuinely loved. I don't remember much of my mother growing up, but I remember him like a father and he showed me the affection a child should receive growing up. To be stripped of that when I was six, and not being able to understand why anyone would do that or why the several other people in my life have chose to end theirs...did strange things to me. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to let go, but recently I've found that I think I'm closer to it.

Several things seem to be falling into place lately. After visiting Cleveland, I feel refreshed. It had been so long since I have laughed that hard and smiled for that long. I allowed myself to get vulnerable in front of two friends, people who've known me for close to ten years, and yet finally got a glimpse of who I am. And for that experience and all the other experiences I've shared with them since I knew them, both bad and good, I love them deeply. I am creating new memories and new enlightenments on how to live my life, because of this I am slowly being able to let go of all my inner struggles and most of the outer.

I use to think on occasion how nice it'd be to join my Uncle, and I'd smile and cry at the thought because of how much I miss him. Instead of continually holding myself hostage to that idea, I need to grow on my new memories. Like Inception, "I think negative emotions are always trumped by positive emotions." This couldn't be more true. I'm more and more learning to live simply, be a big kid, and enjoy life instead of being weighted down by my worries and memories. Instead of being held hostage of the idea that I'm a bother to my friends, I'm not good enough, or I could kill myself to be free...I could learn from all this, and live for myself and for the people I love.

The book I'm also currently reading in a way also parallels with the messages I've gained from Inception. It deals with how we become we who are by facing up to the things that happened to us as children. I think I lost track of who I really was a long time ago, and I'm starting to re-learn a lot of these things. Something as simple as a smile and a real hug use to be rare and difficult, now are almost as crucial as food and air. The more I question, the more I want take more leaps of faith.

I just could not be more grateful for how my life is unfolding, and I believe I've only scratched surface. I'm not perfect, and I have a long way to go. I still fall back into being held hostage because sadly it feels so familiar that I trick myself into thinking that it's comfortable. It's until I have a 'kick' to wake myself up from it. I'm not only learning about all this, but explaining on here my views of Inception in relation to myself. It would take me watching it several more times to fully discuss all the aspects of Inception, but for now this has been therapeutic to write.

Cack Handed

Cack handed is an English slang for Left handedness which means to be clumsy. I am both left handed and tend be fairly clumsy. Like other labels and stereotypes, left handedness has it's history of stigmas associated with it.

Several cultures throughout the world see left handedness is seen as being immoral, wrong, and a shame to society. The United States use to also see it as a sign of natural evil to use the left hand dominantly. Matthew 25:41 states, "Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels." Years ago teachers would swat and discipline children for using their left hand while writing. I am very thankful for progression! It was very cruel, but sadly this still goes on in certain parts of the world, and that type of thinking isn't completely outdated. There are still strict Catholics and Protestants who think that left handers should have to conform to the right handed society because it is 'simply wrong'. Some people even think that is it just as horrible for two left handers to marry as it is for a homosexual couple; as though the devil told the few of us to be left handed and gay.

There are however a few cultures that have some positive bits about being a south paw. In the Andes, we are considered to have special spiritual abilities. There are Buddhist tantras that teach the left hand as a representation of wisdom as does the Zuni tribe.

I decided to write this blog on being left handed because I know the struggles and triumphs of being left handed. Today my Grandmother challenged me to assembly a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. I love challenges, and couldn't really say no because I had never assembled a large toy before. I thought it'd be simple to fit a few hunks of plastic together. After a couple hours, and I began to sweat my grandmother walked in and saw my problem immediately. "You're handicap because you're left handed." That was kind of the right thing to say because it just made me want to prove her wrong, but she was right to a degree. The thing was supposed to be assembled by a right handed person. The screws had to be placed in a way that after so much of the car is assembled you can't get to it with your left hand. The video instructions also showed the use of a power drill/screwdriver. Left handers and power tools don't usually mix that well, haha. After stripping a screw with the power tool, I had to switch back to a regular screw driver. I ended up cutting myself on a screw. Finally, I got the thing assembled, and I my final thoughts were that if I EVER had children...they were going to get a cardboard box to play with. I swear I'll have nightmares about it. (Hence, the scary photo I took of it above)

Left handers have to adapt in this crazy right handed world to the simplest of objects. I remember in elementary school being handed a pair of left handed scissors, but ended up having to learn how to use a regular pair because mine weren't sharpened enough to cut. Can openers, power tools, old computer mouses, corkscrews, and spiral notebooks are all annoying to work with, however we adapt. We've had to learn how to use both hands so equally, that if we broke our dominant hand we could easily learn how to pick up the slack with our right hand.

South paws may make up less than ten percent of the world's population, and at times it can be difficult..I almost think that we have the advantage.

Portrait of an Insulin Reaction

Most people who know me, do not know I slept in the same bed with my mother until I was Eighteen. It definitely wasn't something I'd broadcast. It was my families' way of bestowing the responsibility of taking care of my Mother on me, but isn't the parent supposed to take care of the child?

My Mother was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when she was Nineteen. She found out when she ran into a telephone pole one day, claiming that she saw two of them. She has let diabetes ruin her life. I understand it is a difficult disease to live with, but she uses it as a crutch so she wouldn't have to work. Thousands of people in the United States have Type 1 diabetes, and live fairly normal lives because they take care of themselves. My Mother doesn't. She doesn't eat a well balanced diet, doesn't exercise, or do anything besides change her insulin pump when recommended. It's me and my family that has to pick up the slack, and make her live.

Type 1 diabetes is basically where the pancreas no longer makes insulin, therefore the person needs to regularly intake insulin through a needle or through a regulated insulin pump. An insulin reaction is where the blood sugar levels drop to extreme levels because the body has either received too much insulin or hasn't had any food. I was maybe Nine when began to understand her diabetes. I came home a few minutes late from a friends house, my grandparents are gone, and she was making supper. I remember her so vividly. She literally screamed at me till she coughed for being late, her eyes were bulging, her mannerisms were exaggerated, speech was slurred and intelligible, and she was sweating profusely. I was sent to my room, really confused and hurt.

After that incident, it seemed like it happened more and more often. At least twice month, but usually more. Typically, I'd hear her screaming and wailing either downstairs or right beside me. I'd get up, get the corn syrup, pour a bit down her throat, and wait for her to come out of it. Other times, she was more violent because the blood sugar levels were so low. She would act psychotic, she would kick, hit, throw stuff, rip out her hair, bite, knock her head against the wall, and scream. I remember the first time she bit my grandmother, and didn't want to let go. My grandmother knocked the hell out of her forcing her to let go. She has also thrown remote controls at my head and scratched me several times. It was when she grabbed my wrist and twisted it around, that I began to hit back.

The older I got, the more experienced I became in noticing the early signs, but also more emotionally detached to the woman. We'd be hanging out at the mom and pop shop video store, and she'd start spacing out. Her speech would begin to slur or not make any kind of normal sense, and she'd begin to sweat. Some of the more terrifying times were when she was driving me some place and would fall into one. She's wrecked more times than I can count. She'll begin to scream at me, and then will floor the speed pedal. I've never gotten into a car with her since.

The worse time ever was when she was just getting up on a weekend very late. I was already up. She was screaming a little and not really thrashing around too much. She was in the process of shutting her body down and going into a coma and then death. Her body began convulsing, and later her eyes began to roll back into her head. That was probably one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed. She eventually did go into a coma, and the doctor's told us that they weren't sure she was going to make it.

I wish I could say that I'm not use to hearing screaming, being kicked, hearing an ambulance, or hearing that my mother won't make it through the night. The woman has nine lives that she doesn't really want. Several web sites I looked up for insulin reaction symptoms listed the usual sweating and confusion, but only two listed a severe bizarre behavior. That bizarre behavior isn't really defined at all. People are not aware that this includes a loved one banging their head against the wall and screaming. I felt a need to define. I lost a lot of sleep growing up due to that psychotic behavior, a good bit of my childhood, and respect for my mother.

Photo by: Me.

Yin and Yang to Avatar

The Last Airbender review

This M. Night Shyamalan film is based on the first book of the Nickelodeon animated series Avatar the Last Airbender. The story is about four nations who are in a sense each governed by one of the four elements of earth, water, fire, and air. Certain people in these nations can bend and control their respectable element, but only one person known as the Avatar can bend all four elements and is able to communicate with the spirit world. Aang, a small airbender, upon learning he is the Avatar flees the Air Nation and his responsibilities and gets trapped beneath the ice. A hundred years pass and a brother and a sister from the Southern Water tribe find him. Their destinies become entwined. With the help of Katara and Sokka, Aang needs to master the elements in order to bring the ruling Fire Nation down to restore balance to the world.

I use to be on the fence with the cartoon thinking it was simply an Americanized anime made for children, and I sneered more when I heard that a film was being made...but then I saw the trailers and actually became interested. Within two weeks, I finished the animated series and was thoroughly impressed. The series is smart, complex, epic, and spiritual to a degree in how it conveys it's messages. Sadly, I do not think the film carries these messages. The film is covering the storyline of the first season, nearly 20 episodes packed into 94 minutes, and it shows. In my opinion the film is rushed, but does cover the most important plot points which should be good. It's just that in rushing, the soul and complexity of the story is stripped away to reveal almost a generic heroes' journey. The character's lack what makes them unique to the story line, becoming more one dimensional than how the cartoon portrays them as being multi dimensional in personality. Aang in the movie is completely overwhelmed by his emotions, but in the series you see that he masks quite a bit of that with a fun loving, seemingly care free personality. Katara lacks a lot of power and spunk. Her sarcastic joker of a brother, Sokka takes on more of a brotherly role than using his humor to charm the crowd. He does make me laugh, but maybe twice, when usually it's multiple times in one episode. Uncle Iroh in the film takes on just the sage sort of role, when really he too is cheerful and optimistic. Zuko was one of the only character's that almost fully took on his role, but still lacked the (dare I say) fiery passion he needed in his journey to gain back honor and dignity.

While keeping fairly faithful to the storyline, they did unnecessarily change a few things. Three names are mispronounced, and I would honestly love an explanation as to why. Aang is pronounced in the film Ah-ung, Sokka pronounced Soh-ka, and Uncle Iroh pronounced Ear-oh. It was actually kind of funny when they said “Ah-ung” and I thought to myself...no, it's AANG...and then I heard an echo behind me. Several children in the audience whispered “It's Aang.” During their journey they come across an Earth Village that's taken over by the Fire Nation. In the cartoon the Earth Benders are imprisoned at sea in a metal prison. You know...so that they can't Earth Bend. The prison here is just their village...surrounded by Earth. This didn't make much sense to me, for the sake of rushing plot development?

I'll dedicate this paragraph to my hate of 3-D. I hate it with a fire bending fucking passion. Real cinema does not need 3-D to be amazing. It is an old gimmick used to make money and get seats in theaters nationwide filled with butts, big and small. * breathe * I appreciate directors who don't use this tactic, Christopher Nolan for example. I would have appreciated The Last Airbender just as much without the headache inducing bullshit of EYE POPPING 3-D TECHNOLOGY.

All my analyzing and fan girling aside, the film is a joy to watch. The story is still intriguing however watered down it is. The element bending is graceful and beautiful to watch in live action. I'm just a silly film fag, who grew up watching way too much film. I would still recommend this to watch for both fans of the series and people who know nothing about it.

Pasta Salad Recipe

This is quick meal or side dish that can be put together. A lot of the meals I've been preparing lately are low calorie, high in protein, and within 20 minutes it's ready. Pasta salad is a dish that can be made one night and eaten the next day as many people prefer it to be cold when eaten.

Indgredients:
box of Garden Delight rotini
shredded Parmesan cheese
chopped red onion

Italian dressing ingredients:
1 cup olive oil
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon minced garlic
3/4 teaspoon parsley flakes
1/2 teaspoon celery salt
1/2 teaspoon minced onion
1/4 teaspoon onion powder

Bring water to a boil and add the rotini. You may choose to add salt or oil to keep the pasta from sticking together. I usually cook the pasta till it's al dente, and then I chill it if I wish to eat it within the hour. While the pasta is chilling you can whisk the ingredients of the italian dressing together, and chop up any vegetables you'd like. In the photo I just used a red onion, but people have used broccoli, tomatoes, black olives, peas, carrots, and red peppers before. You can also substitute the italian dressing recipe for store bought italian or your choice of vinaigrette. When the pasta is chilled a bit you can then drizzle the dressing atop and stir together. Top with veggies and parmesan cheese.

Makes 4-6 servings

(I'm not a good technical writer.)

Photo by: Me

What fresh hell is this?

The Proposition Review

I never saw very many western films before The Proposition aside from Unforgiven and Dead Man. It's not a genre I fully appreciated until The Proposition. The Savannah Film Society had an article in the paper about it with Nick Cave's name attached to it as screenwriter and musician. There's was no turning back for me being a fan of the Birthday Party and the Bad Seeds. I wanted to see this other side to Mr. Cave's talent. Since The Proposition, Nick Cave along with Warren Ellis has provided very distinct bone-chilling musical scores for other beautifully photographed films like The Assassination of Jesse James and The Road. The Savannah Film Society is also notorious for hosting brilliant foreign films in Savannah that only get a limited release in the United States. The Host, a Korean horror film, is another I saw at the Lucas theater a couple years later.

The film begins with a proposition, more really of an ultimatum, made by Captain Stanley to Charlie Burns. He gives Charlie a little more than a week to hunt down and kill his older brother and gang leader of the Burns Gang, or he will hang his little brother on Christmas day. Set in the sullen Australian Outback, the setting is as much of a tragic character as the anti hero is. Every character is conflicted in some horrible moral dilemma; Captain Stanley trying to civilize the land, his wife wanting justice for her murdered friend, and Charlie needing to protect his younger brother is later saved by the man he was trying to hunt. This film is well directed, beautifully shot, and is accompanied by a soundtrack as painfully lonely as the Outback.

I think I usually have more to say in my movie reviews if a film is horrible. I can't fully justify in words how much I love this film.

Introductions

I guess I need to begin with a few apologies. I don't think I'm entirely over the blueberry wine I had the other day. I haven't really been in a very sane state of mind since. Being sane is over rated anyway.

The title of my blog is a handle I've used for a few years, but to clarify I don't really think myself to be a moralist. Maybe years ago, but even then our generation has a very different perspective on morals compared to my grandparent's generation. Who gets to say what is right and wrong anyway? Ever since I moved to Savannah, Georgia three years ago I was forced to change. I slept in an over sized closet for two weeks, until I moved in with a couple guys (stamped by older society 'morally wrong'), but honestly felt so free. It's easy to take things for granted until you're introduced to something you've always been taught is wrong. Then you might realize that it actually isn't so wrong, but very very right. Society in a sense is a moralist cliche, ever judging. I'm just trying to not be as afraid anymore.

I did a lot of growing in Savannah, but now that I moved back to Kentucky I've been conflicted. Several great things have happened since I've moved back that I can be really grateful for. I've been able to become more immersed in my photography, and more importantly I've grown closer to some of my older friends. It's been a horrible transition though. I moved from living with people my age and seeing them everyday to moving back with my family and seeing my friends maybe a couple times a week if I'm lucky. The lack of social interaction compared to Savannah isn't something I want to get use to. Over a year has passed since I've been back, and I still get depressed over this. I don't think a lot of my friends understand the feeling all that well. Many of them have such a huge network of friends on top of having a partner in their lives. It's not their fault at all, many of them have been so supportive and amazing, and I hate to intrude when I do. It's good that I am able to enjoy my own company for as long as I can, but I still crave social interaction on a daily basis.

If there was one thing Savannah taught me was that I can also change this. I have a perspective job offer coming up in August hopefully that will allow me to make enough money to get my own apartment, but even then...I've found myself asking how many people would actually come to visit me? I'm afraid I'd be even lonelier. So do I go out and find myself a man? Hell no. I'd rather just take the risk, and see what happens. I would rather be homeless right now than stay another day in this house, but that's an insult to homeless people.

Don't worry, most of my blogs won't be incessant ranting about my life. It'll be a mix of several different medias ranging from movie reviews to recipes to my opinion on alternative energy and how to make it happen.